my own world of thoughts

yes im bored..bored bored bored..what else can i say to describe myself at this moment of time?supposedly, i need to finish the assignments …(at least 5 more to go, i think), but no mood at all..where has it gone?my mood?where are you?helloooo???r u playing hide n seek here?cmon, come back to me baby..help me to help you, oh mood..i need you so badly!!

besides the missing mood, another thing that contributes to the insuffiecient of myself is HOT!!..yeap, Brissy is on fire baby..the whether is too hot and dry and you will sweat a lot!!…it says that this spring is the hottest spring eva in 50 years..wait, it’s still spring?oh, i thought it’s already been summer..so hot!!!..but im thanking God so much for the rains (although, it’s just for about 10-15 mins?) and the storm as well..at least it cools the city down a lil bit..i wonder how does it feel in perth?.yu-huu…melbourne is nothing i guess…it’s always cool down there, i reckon..ahaks!!

oh the endless assignments and classes..when will they stop haunting me?..please leave me alone..just for a while..huhuhu..

anyhow, i must say, apart from the hot wheather(it does make me feel hot n *makes me look hot *blushing*), the holy month of Ramadhan really taught me about how it important to be with your family and to keep in touch with them. i’ve been missing them for about 8 months now and personally, n frankly, im dying to see all them back..seriously!!and with the coming month of victory (for those who succeed to complete a whole month of fasting, not to mention the ladies who have the exception) i feel more sad..raya, yeah, once again, im able to celebrate the eid of mubarak..but for the first time in my entire life, the celebration will be different this time..not having my family around, only my friends are here with me, to share the happiness of this day with lots of thankful for His blessings that have been poured to us this year and many years ahead..but i don’t know what to expect for this Raya since I’ve not been made any preparation, yet..huhuhuhu…just see what will happen..

what else, oh yeah, i’ve been following the updates of our former prime minister who is also our father of all time, Tun Dr. Mahathir, through his daughter blog, Datin Marina.. for those who doN’t have any idea what have happened, basically, our father had been warded to IJN due to his heart failure but don’t panic, he’s recovering now and oh boy. it’s a speedy recovery. Thank God for His love. Tun is doing well now and has been moving from the ICU to normal ward which is the Bunga Raya ward..im so happy and delightful to hear this good news. He’s now eating well and getting fit each day. well, i adore him so much because he’s such an inspiration for me. even my late grandpa really look at him because of his many brilliant ideas when he was still became our leader and he’s brave at voicing his opinion to the world. what a leader and a hero to us…long live TUn..

hurm, guess, it’s all for now..n yeah, im getting really fat nowadays..mostly because of the food that i ate..massive input causing huge output to my body..but f”’it..as long as im happy, i don’t care what everyone will say..hahahaa

ta for now..

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin..

akhirnya dia tewas dlm perjuangan utk terus bernafas dibumi ini..sesungguhnya Allah itu lebih berkuasa dan manusia hanyalah insan biasa..walaupun sehebat dan secanggih manapun teknologi perubatan sekarang, tetap tidak mampu utk menandingi kuasaNya. hanya Dia yang Maha Mengetahui segala yg terbaik utk umatNya

tarikh 25 ogos..setelah 22 hari jan berumur 21 tahun, pd waktu lebih kurang 6 ptg, perginya salah seorg insan yg paling jan sayangi iaitu toki jan.. arwah yg bernama ali bin jusoh tlh pergi menemui Penciptanya and meninggalkn ahli keluarganya yg lain. setelah 9 hari berada dlm koma,dia tidak mmpu lg utk bertahan dan tewas.tewas bukn bererti kalah yg tidak bermakna, ttp tewas dlm kemenangan..kemenangan kerana permergiaan sgt selesa dn tidak terseksa.. dia pergi dlm keadaan yg tenang (mengikut kata angah)..bermula dr perjalanan dr Hospital Kuala Terengganu ke rumah yg dibina dh wang hasil titik peluh dia berkerja di tepi pantai di Dungun, perjalanan sungguh selesa tanpa sebarang gangguan..dn dia sgt tenang ketika mharungi saat2 terakhirnya..saat nyawanya diambil..saat roh bpisah dr jasad..segala2nya sungguh smpurna.. urusan pengemubiannya sgt teratur tiada masalah..sesungguhnya Allah itu Maha Pengasih dan Dia sgt menyayangi toki jan n toki jan tidak menderita utk waktu yg lama..

ya, byk sungguh airmata yg tumpah sejak 2 minggu ini..bermula dr cerita dia dimasukkan kedlm wad sehingga berita yg br diterima td, semuanya diiringi air mata yg x henti2.org bkata tidak elok utk menangisi yg tlh tiada..tetapi ya, airmata ini tidak tetanggung lg dan tdak boleh ditahan2 lg..ia tumpah bersama kekesalan yg teramat terkesan dihati..kesal kerana tidak lg brupaya utk mdengar suaranya yg byk memberi nasihat, suaranya yg byk mgucapkn kata2 yg brmanfaat dan yg plg dikesali tdk mmpu utk menemui dia..ya Allah, Kau timpakn aku dugaan yg plg hebat..

toki ku seorg yg sgt kuat..kuat sehingga mmpu utk mgerjakan kebun buah kesayangannya..kuat sehingga mmpu utk mgecat dn membersihkn rumah lamanya..namun kini dia telah tiada..dan jan tidak berjumpe dgnnya utk kali terakhir..kerana jarak antara dua benua yg memisahkn..kerana masa yg tidak berkesempatan..dan ini yg memberi kesedihan dihati ini…

sedih,ya, jan sedih..sedih krn tidak berada disisinya..dan jan akan lg sedih hujung tahun ini kerana hasrat utk berjumpenya tidak kesampaian..hndk berbicara dgnya tidak mampu lg..hendak mencium tapak tangannya yg byk berbakti kpd anak2 dn cucunya2..tidak ada lg saat itu..tiada lg dia utk mceritakan zaman2 dahulu..zaman dia dan tok ku..tiada lg dia…yg tinggal hanyalah gmbr2 n kenangan didlm hati..n 2 tanda di kubur..sayu rasanya kerana tidak dpt bjumpa dgnnya buat kali terakhir…utk mendakapnya dgn erat..utk mcium tangan…semuanya tidak akan blaku lg..

sedih…kerana dia  akhirnya pergi…

salam for all readers..

mati itu sesuatu yg pasti..it’s inevitable and everyone shall taste the death..dlm Al-quran nul karim pun ade myatakn bhw setiap yg bnyawa akan merasakan mati. dan hanya pd hari kiamat sajalah diberikn dengan smpurna balasanmu. barang siapa dijauhkan dr neraka dn dimasukkan ke dlm syurga,sungguh,dia memperoleh kemenangan. kehidupan didunia hanyalah kesenangan yg memperdayakn ( 3:185)

why am i talking about death..it’s because rite now im facing the hardest moment in my life..knowing dat my beloved atok is now not being normal n sick puts me into the condition that i can’t function well. sungguh meyeksakn to know dat he’s suffering while im here and yup im blaming myself for not being there for him along with my other family members. it’s so sad to be here alone and not knowing wat to do except for keep on praying for the best and reciting yasin for him. i want to go back so badly but i can’t because lots of thing here need me to give full commitment..i just wish to back. but there’s no genie that can serves me  to do that.

i love my atuk so much..n to know that he’s in coma really hurts me and stabs straight to my heart. every single of second im thinking of him and pray that he’s ok..i know that he’s not in good shape and the day when my brother getting married, he didn’t attend that ceremony because of his state of health..but i thought it’s only temporary. i wasn’t expected that he will be warded and go for an operation. tp dengan izin Yang Maha Berkuasa, he went for 2 operations and remained in coma and still in coma. i’m so stressful to hear that bad news because i wasn’t expecting for that news to come out from my mother. im shocked and still shock..

the shocks:

i received two shocks..first shock was when my mom told me that she’s in the hospital (the day i called her..the reason i called her was bcause i wanted to ask on how to clean the squids). i felt so wrong n she told me dat there’s a bad news and straightly i felt that it was all about my atuk. ok..first bang to my head..there’s no way that he’s been warded bcause he was so fit n lives in healty lifestlye..so i asked her what’s happening and all she said was just be prepared n hope for the best..ok second bang..i started to cry and because my mum knows her daughter cannot handle bad news, she said evrything is going to be ok just pray for the best n if u hv time, read yasin..then 3rd bang to my head..she hang up the phone..my tears  poured so much n believed me, dat’s the first time ever im crying in that way..my eyes were swallow n red.. the whole evening i kept calling my mother what’s his condition n she said it’s going to be ok and i remembered her msg that she will told me evrything when she colled me later..fourth bang to my soul. i colled fat and spoke to her on the phone (with tears running on my face..of course)..n i asked awan to accompany me to the 7E to buy top-up card so that i can msg her continuously..

the second shock i received was dat late evening when she told me that my atuk was in poorly condition n not performing dat well after the operations (her voices were trembling n seriously this was the first time ever my mum sounded so inconfident with herself n so sad on the phone..she’s never been like this before. eversince i was here, she never cried.only me who cried alot). wat operations i asked her..she just said that my atuk was actually exprienced internal bleeding and from that point i cried so hard that i couldn’t catch my breath. the next bang was when she further explained that my atuk was unconcious and my tears just kept running thru my cheeks n i couldn’t hardly speak to her..all she said was to be strong dear and patient..hold on to your faith and believe that this is all Allah’s power…we can’t do anything expect for praying for his healthy..i couldn’t accept the fact that he’s in coma..seyesly i can’t because he’s in different world n i dun want to loose him..seriously i don’t..i cried n cried n cried n cried…

dat was yday..n today it was even harder..but atok was still in coma n my mum kept telling me to be strong (i should the one who comforts her, not her).n i speak to my grandma n she wasn’t dat good..she’s so sad n i noticed dat from her voice..i cried..again n tried so hard to fake taht am not crying  (at least to my grandma)but failed..i talked again to my mum n she said that she’s on her way to the hospital..n at this boiling point, she said that my atuk was getting worst n OMG, i just went frantic n gile.i cannot loose him..it can’t be happening..but she kept telling me to be strong..all this while i think my mum who the one dat being strong (because she’s the big sister for the other 5 siblings) while im just being weak n weaker every minute.
for the nxt 10 minutes, i kept messaging my mum n my brother, asking bout atuk’s condition..n i felt so lost n lonely..im just sad..

but tonite, alhamdulillah, my atuk is recovering, albeit it’s slow recovery..his skin is getting turn into red. n my mum tells me erything about what’s real thing..apparantely, my atuks’ usus is bleeding so hard dat bloods keep flowing out from his usus..but the docs say that the other side of usus is receiving the blood as well. the reason why he’s in coma is because the docs want him to recover slowly so that his body has the time to heal.. Thank God..n he’s responding to his family whenever they talk to him. all this while i thot that he’s naturally in coma but it’s not..fuhhh..but my mum tells me that we still need to look out for tomorrow..

indeed this two days n a half experiences teach me a lot..i love my family so much…so much..there’s intensity happening in my life for this couple of days n im really super duper worry with his condition like dat..but again, i also learn that mati itu pasti..only Him knows the best for His umat..n i keep praying to Him dat my beloved atuk will survive in this battle..Amin..

hye guys,

another new day..hehehehe…firstly, my big aplogize for unsettled business..non other than completing my online diaries bout my holiday..im so sorry for that..however, im trying and believe me i will, to recall back all the sweet memories that happened to me along the break(one full month) and again, trying to write as many as i can if the time allows..yeap, one excuse after another..it’s a thing that i like to avoid but indeed fail to do it..huhuhu..

why it’s "while waiting"?..well, it simply because im waiting for the completion of downloading the yahoo messenger(sori with the grammar,pls bear with it)..yeap, my ym is doing hal again dat causes me in the state of bored..huhuhu…

while waiting, i have this spirit to post sumthing in my blog..hehehhee..spirit??.hurmm..sort of..my new term is just started and im in full of energy to score as higher as i can. however, one cannot admits that the subjects that i take are moving towards the difficulties to achieve more that what i get back in sem 1…it’s suicidal thingy going on and "sigh" im ready for it..
im worried rite now but trying to stay calm as i can…pls GOD..show me the rite path that i should take..so dat i won’t still be in lost..huhuhu…

ok then..to rizzie, i have updated my blog..hope you’re reading it and make a comment of it..:P

daaaaaa…..

hye readers..

it’s day two out of thirty days of my holiday and im exhilirating with what i’ve experience now..tho im missing my ppl back in brisbane- ida, su,fat,awan,didie-to name a few- im still enjoying myself here..

i should start briefly of what had happened on my first day of holiday spending gateway-that is-when departing from brisbane.i woke up at 4.45 am coz of the departed time was at 7.30am..yeah, it was too early for me to get up from my bed especially after not having enough sleep for almost last week due to the learning network exam. we gathered at G (Unilodge Brisbane) around 5.45am and take the cab to Brisbane Central..it was so cold that morning and my feets were trembling.we arrived at Brisbane Central around 6.30am(we got up to the cab quite late act) and checked in our luggages (which can’t be exceeded more than 20kgs) to the train cargo..then we waited..during that time, i had mixed feeling-sad, not in the mood sleepy and yadda yadda yadda..we finally rested ourselves in respective seats around 8am (the COUNTRYLINK was so not punctual) and yeah, the next thing i knew was i slept..coz i was tired at that time.

inside the train, there’s nothing much u can do-except for sleeping,eating,reading,sleeping,eating and reading..yeah..hell it was so boring and extremely exhausted..thus the scenaries along the way were so beautiful and i felt like i was in Wellington or sumthing like dat. it was so greeny and herds of cows and horses..damn, it was so beautiful!! we passed few stations which to me it was so hard to pronunce their names.thus, it’s great to know dat all these places were there,untouchable by development and preserve for the future..our journey ended at Tari because there was massive flood in the next trail and so, we had to take a four long,tiring,annoying hours odf journey. i didn’t enjoy myself in bus bcoz of it was very small and hell, i’m so exhausted..

finally around 10pm, we arrived at Sydney Central after almost 12 hours in both bus and train.however, i couldn’t get my luggage because it was on the other bus. it was raining at that time and i was freaking cold!!!..luckily, i knew that izati-person who i was longing to meet-was there to pick me up to her place in Epping. after almost 65minutes of waiting, that bus arrived and i redeemed my beg..it was raining heavily at that time and im shaking and trembling all the time. im wet and almost caught cold..around 12 i arrived in Macquarie Village which for me was sooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful and comfortable. You guys are so lucky to stay here!!!

So, that’s the day one..the day two continued with a journey of a visiting to Macquarie Center.. but first, i went for some pictures taking session-with Izzati as the photographer- around the campus..it was beautiful and peaceful when i was there plus the weather was not in a good mood..hell, it rained again and again and again. after that,  i went to Macquarie Center and had a look inside the mall which for me was so-so..it just nice..

so, that is it for two days of my holiday out of 30 days..

to be continued…

nite2 guys!!!

hye guys..

it’s 2.41 am now and i cannot sleep.my eyes still want to work but my body needs rest.huhuhu..why is this happening?
later i realize that it must be sumthing that bothers me that leads to this situation-not being able to sleep..and that thing is the exam..it’s not like i fear it or wateva..but to know that i haven’t prepared anything does scare me off..
i should start revising, but i give it up easily..just because it’s too much for me to do it..with a pile of notes in front of me, wanting and ready to be explored, i just give up..
i know that i need to do sumthing to change myself, my atiitude, but the fact that i hate exam does brings impact to my brain coordination..huhuhu..i just hate it..
however, the thing that is bothering me the most is my last conversation with my love..yup mi amor..huhuhu..i think we have sum small fight(i think) that drives me nuts..recently, our relationship is like on the rock now, waiting to be scattered and falls apart..this long distance rship does challenge our honesty and confidence levels..and again today, i dishurt his feeling..again..
i know i can sumtime be too demanding and so on and so forth..but the reason i do that is to make sure that he’s able to express his feelings and his thoughts..i hate when he said that he’s shy and bla bla bla..so im not shy?am i the one who is too thegeh2?..huhuhu..
when i ask him simple question..how much he earns..he doesn’t want to tell me..y he do that? i don’t understand..i thought he already trust me and has faith in me..it’s not like im going to tell everybody..
n guess what, as usual, he sort of merajuk with me and suddenly wants to end up the call.wtf…i dun even puas talking to him and because of that small matter, he just want to leave like dat..
i know dat it’s my fault and im totally responsible with what has happened.but i just hope he can be a lil bit matured as he’s already 26..and he experiences a lot than me..but sumtime my faith towards him does unstable and i feel like to call it an end..
but yeap. i love him..n hope i still have this feeling towards him..

hope so..

hye readers,

rite now, instead of doing the assignment (well, it has become a nature now for me to procrastinate thing and leave it till last minute..and then the feeling of regret will struck straight to my heart and it ends with devastating effect.hehehe..)im posting this blog to ya all..yeah, i should start at least the introduction, but the feeling of laziness almost taken my life lately and it becomes more and more pertinent each day..huhuhu…but hey, if you cannot work under pressured right?

well today, i think i had the most fun time in my entire life..urmm for the past four months i’ve been here..(except for being with my family ;p).. i went to the Australian Zoo, the place where Steve Irwin and his family develop their own empire
(if im allowed to say that, hik..) in downunder. The place was so great and nice and lovely and so conducive for all adorable animals to live in.talking about animals, i fed the cute goats with my own bare hand..though i can’t stand the sensational feeling of being licking by them..it’s feel great and cute..they were so cute..seriously..how comes goats here are much cuter than goats in Malaysia..the answer is simple..they are all in good hands..hehehe..anyway, i loved this one goat which was to me was so handsome that i felt like i wanted to kiss him..wait, was it he or she?..hurmm..wateva..that goat was so adoooooooraaaaaabbbbbbbbleeeee (gosh, how many times i had to repeat this?indeed, they were all adorable!!!)..so cute..and there were pigs (also cute but not as cuter as the goats)..those animals were locked up in Zoo for kids(hehehe,being a kiddy is not a harm right dats y i went to this zoo)..

then, moved on to the next stop which were the souvenir shops. i have to admit that i turned crazy when i shopped souvenir for myself and also for people in Malaysia. i felt like to buy the whole shops, especially the cutie,huggable and lovable fluffy toys(a girl can’t go away with that stuff rite? well, except for some girls)but damn..it’s toooooooooooo expensive babe…in both stores, i bought many things such as kitchen magnets, postcards and batches (which i can afford to pay).i loved what i bought..hehehe..especially mr. harriet, the tortoise..he may looks ugly and greeny, but he’s cute :p

hurmm.. wait. it doesn’t relate to the topic rite guys?..about i love pink..actually today, im offically announced myself as a pinky lover..hehehe..today is all about pink..im wearing pink scarf, pink stripe shirt and pink pants and also pink shoe and pink pashmina… gosh,plus pink socks (but not for undergarments :P) and a big pink tweety bag from Movie World..God, i really love pink..love it, live it,dream it..pink is my world..and im turning all into pink..im a pinky girl..and no doubt, i like to be in pink..hehehe…i don’t know when i develop affection towards this girly color.but it has been my passion for me to collect things that relate to pink colour..even my baju kurung are all in this form of color or at least the red color..my passionate in this color has turned my brother to the phobia of pink..hahahaha..he can’t even enter my room in Terengganu because my bedsheet is pink, my big mashimaro charming is pink and my pillows are all in pink..except for window curtains..i want to have it in pink color but my mum said enough of pink, you should inject another color in your life so dat it will be colorful not colorless..well mum, i like it!!!..i don’t know how, everytime i buy clothes, it will turn into the same color-pink..guess i born to be with pink color..

more elaboration to that, it has been my wedding dream (ehem, ehem) that all my family members wearing pink color on traditional clothes..hehehe…i like it..i want to wear pink clothes, pink veil and my dowries for my abg(insyallah) are going to be in pink..hehehehehe..i dying and in love in pink and my compassionate is ultimately prolong to this color…

ok guys..till here..need some sleep..

tata..n yeah, thanks for reading..

hye readers..

hehehe..why i always start my new post with salutation to other people which i think might read this post? is there anyone outhere who is willingly to read other’s people blog? it’s my hope that there is at least one person who is generously spending his/her time to read my blog  and im really thankful to that person..:)

ok..back to work..indeed tonite is same like other nite where boredom is undeniably takes the place in my dictionary of life. tonite is not different from the previous nites as it’s much cooler and freezier since it’s winter now..yes, my first winter experience in my entire life..but without the snow, i would consider it as a day after the rain that splash my life to the state of freaking cold..tonite is yet another nite that pours me into the insufficient condition to do assignment and study for the exam..tonite is tonite..

huhuhu..well, what makes tonite different from other nites is that i realize how i’ve been jealous and wonder why i can’t have what i want..tho the fact that im quite satisfied and thankful for all the love that i receive from people around me, it drives me back to the fact that how i can’t be compassionate with sumone that i really want..of coz my ‘abang’ fulfill the need to be loved and to be in loved but then, i wonder why at first place, i can’t be with someone that i longing to be with..

through all the testimonials, i know that im not his dreamgirl types-happy,cheeky, loves football- and of course i can’t be like that becoz im not like that..anyhow, i like this person as much as i like my abang.but faith has destined me to be with the person that is not i dream off at the first place..but i really love my abang..more than anything..and im learning to accept that fact..

it’s bizarre to write this blog-comparing my abang to another person-and thank God, he’s not been able to read this due to the fact that he hasn’t have frenster account, but for that person, i wish you all the love that you deserve in this world..

yet, tonite is an ordinary nite, but slightly different…

tonite is tonite…

p/s: no more further explaination after this..what remains here, remains here…

today’s blog is mainly about my feelings for the past four months i’ve been in australia.the topic may sounds like childish or watsoeva, but believe me, im in the state of sadness to the date i wrote this blog..so presenting to you..~im sad..~

im sad…when im away from my family-i miss my hommie so badly esp. at this moment..i noe that other people will feel the same way, so do i..but it became stronger each day that im dying to go back to malaysia rite now..

im sad..if im not be able to help my friends..friend in need is yet indeed..but, im also sad if i’ve been left behind..

im sad…when i feel stress..particularly becoz of the assignments that are so challenging and im not be able to do it well..i know i can do it much better but things  are different when the lectures mark my papers..the results are not satisfying n devastating..

im sad..when i don’t know what did i do wrong..every comment is so flowery that i think i shld deserve better than what i got..the comments are so convincing and it makes me thinking why my papers-all of it-didn’t excel..im dying to be excellent because i don’t want to be at the phase like in IPBA..i want to change but the results are not showing any different n definetly i stress out..

im sad…when my grade is not the same like others..even lower than them..even tho i keep telling myself that this is not about competition where who gets highest or what, the feelings of ashame and kecewa are still there..im so sad with the fact that even tho i started early, the remark is still the same..

im sad…totally sad..with i had now..n im afraid that im not be able to change anything before i go back to Malaysia and certainly before i become a teacher..

im sad…indeed im sad…

life is more than intriguing process where u develop from one stage to one another..it’s abt learning from mistakes n become more stronger eventho u might fall once in a while..life wihout ppl around u will become meaningless n u’ll become distress, suffocated and undeniably, become lonely..thus, sumtime u need time to heal urself from any substance that cause major pain to ur inner side..dat can’t be seen by far n most important, hardly to be noticed from ppl who r closed to u..the pain cn kill u slowly  n like a bullet train, suddenly it explodes..at this point, small thing will turn out to a disaster which cn’t be repaired anymore..wat u can do is to just face all the consequences tht occur after the explosion..n regret is not allowed..

life is abt forgiving each other..tho u might feel nause or sick to forgive same stupid mistakes all the time..it’s wat u do..otherwise, u feel more hurt n angry n stupid if u dun give forgiveness..ppl r different-dats true-n to keep or maintain the differences is the hardest way to do..coz u have to cope with each other that in the end, u let other things influence ur attitudes and worst still, ur belief n ur mind..the way u think..however today, the word ‘sorry‘ seems to be the last word every mankind will like to throw from their saliva mouths..

life is abt compromise n being honest to urself n ppl in ur circle..dun even LIE in ur rship n most imprtant in ur frenship..coz to me,dat’s the biggest thing evryone shld never do..being honest is crucial n vital n essential..coz from there, ur innerside shown to ur face..dun lie, coz in the end, ppl will know ur hidden secret..dun lie to ur frens, coz alas they’ll know it..just be brave to tell ur agenda so dat ur frens will not live in confusion dat cause hatred n anger..it’ll effect ur frenship n things will never be the SAME again..